Life is nothing if not surprising! Today I awoke and knew, the crisp wind and the russeling leaves told me it was time. Back in mid September I attended a Squam Art Retreat, and I had a premonition before I left that once I returned home and had taken some breathing space that I would awake one morning with the need to do what I did last week. So with that introduction let’s rewind….
9.25.2012
Today was a special and significant day that I decided to mark for myself by performing a ceremony. I used some lovely wood and old newspaper to build a fire for myself outside. I burned a bunch of things to let go of the past and say goodbye to some things I have had trouble letting go of for a long, long time. I burned a bunch of writing that I have done over this year that I need to rid myself of. I also burned a few things to mark a new beginning. Tomorrow is my 42nd birthday. It is time for some change and some growth thats been germinating for a long while now. It’s finally time to put out sprouts and tendrils and unfurl tender leaves. Soak up some sun and become planted in fresh beginnings.
….Now back to the present.
It was really all perfect timing.
Since I have gotten back I have been trying to figure out how to share my experiences at Squam. The experience in a lot of ways left me without words. I learned so much about myself and received lots of fantastic reassurance about the direction I am heading in as well as tons of inspiration to take home with me. I had the opportunity to hang out with so many spectacular like-minded women. I also got to take some spectacular art classes. In “Story Scarves” I got to use my grandmother’s sewing machine (an old treadle Singer converted to electric) to piece together scraps of material I had saved through the years that have tons of meaning to me. I also got to rethink my past and open up to new ideas about myself in a class called Origins. It all helped me to understand the place I have come to now.
Many times in the past I have had trouble being fully my true self because I am a sensitive, highly creative person and fairly self-conscious. Squam was a place where I could really be myself and everyone was ok with it. Don’t get me wrong, it was still a microcosm of the real world but there seemed to be plenty of room for me, more than I feel generally in the real world. I came back from Squam understanding that it is time for me to embrace who I am and be fully myself without apologies or excuses and do so with love, kindness and compassion for myself and the world.
As I grow, I find that my fear is slowly being replaced by a confidence that comes from truly embracing myself. Though I am still a work in progress and always will be, I am finally feeling like all the weeds are gone and seeds that had been planted so long ago are finally getting the sun, water and nutrients they need to take a foothold in the ground and reach towards the light, bloosoming and showing all their true beauty.