Today, as I write this, I have butterflies in my stomach and a queasiness akin to stage fright, which means it must be important to share. I feel like am walking out along the edge, but I think the edge is where I live now. The edge… it is scary, vast and incredibly beautiful. But living along the edge gives me the opportunity to have enormous views of beauty and reality. I’m ignoring my fear as I step into the vastness.
I have been feeling this overwhelming need {and want} to let go. I need to let go of so many many things and yet I can’t seem to truly let go. These thoughts{boxes in my minds closet that need to be taken out to the edge and released} certain ideas I keep about myself as an artist, and a mother, stories and people that I keep alive in my head I need to let them just fade, fall away and become the past. I need to toss them all out over the edge and watch them silently fall in to the dark below. I know that when I finally do, that when I finally let go of the need to let go that is when I will truly be able to toss all these items.
I know I’m on the cusp of something big because I have this feeling of wanting so desperately to let go. When I say let go I mean let go of everything. I want to release it all. All the pretty boxes, all the plain boxes. I want to reorganize. I want to straighten it all out, freshen it up. I am so tired of so many things. A lot of things just don’t fit the way they used to. I can feel and know that change is happening with or without me. So it would just be good to go with it. If I do my part right, more of the puzzle pieces of my life should fit together. I don’t want to care about the same things that I’ve cared about in the past. I don’t want to keep putting myself in the neat boxes that I’m constantly putting myself into and I want to be free. I want to remove the rules. I want to stop being angry at myself for not following mine own stupid rules, the ones that I created. I want to be truly myself with no apologies. I want to be me not the idea of me that I have created in my own head or that I think others want to know. And I want to love me!!I know this is all a process. But the inpatient little girl in me is having a hard time lying back and enjoying the ride right now. And I know the more I embrace that little girl the more we will both enjoy the ride!!!
Hugs to myself and to you too!!